tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7971820842270330168.post7498931660708733039..comments2024-01-20T16:28:46.327-08:00Comments on Wordgazer's Words: Why Do People "Drink the Koolaid"? Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08252374623355509404noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7971820842270330168.post-67317035944939044132012-09-27T22:19:05.745-07:002012-09-27T22:19:05.745-07:00Wide-Awake, thanks for sharing your story. I agre...Wide-Awake, thanks for sharing your story. I agree that many who leave these groups lose friendships; I was fortunate not to because I left when the group was splitting up, and my friends had to leave too. I think you're so right that given the "perfect storm" of personal circumstances, one of these cults could happen to anyone!<br /><br />Anonymous-- I recognize the type of person you're describing. We, too, were a lot gentler with non-Christian strangers than with our friends who were Christians, so yes, the love-bombing did stop once you were well and truly in. The idea was that "you are your brother's keeper" actually meant "you are your brother's watchdog."<br /><br />But what I said also holds true-- that in the midst of all that love-bombing, there was also genuine love and friendship that happened. And even when someone left and were were instructed by leadership to ostracize them, many of us grieved deeply over the loss of the relationship. Kristenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08252374623355509404noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7971820842270330168.post-33508416163545350012012-09-26T09:18:18.289-07:002012-09-26T09:18:18.289-07:00Kristen,
The reason I asked about the double-stan...Kristen,<br /><br />The reason I asked about the double-standard love-bombing is that I have seen things similar to this happen. In the past, it confused me. Now I'm starting to put the pieces together.<br /><br />For instance, I had a friend who was involved in a church like this (and he was genuinely a good person with good motives). He was extremely good at speaking to non-Christians without offending them---making them feel loved and valued, not tactlessly making them feel bad or "less" because they weren't a Christian like he was. I always admired that in him.<br /><br />Then one of our other friends began to drift away from Christ a bit, and suddenly my always-tactful-and-attractive friend said some things that were, frankly, pushy and rude--not the way you want to go about admonishing someone. I was so completely shocked. I knew that this friend's good, tactful behavior towards non-Christians was not some fake mask; he really did believe in treating people well and making them feel comfortable.<br /><br />But it's like once you had become a Christian, he felt like he could just nose his way into your life in the rudest way possible if you were doing something he felt was un-Christian. It was strange to watch.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7971820842270330168.post-75868434256295657432012-09-25T11:17:37.467-07:002012-09-25T11:17:37.467-07:00Hi Kristen,
I, too, drank the kool-aid for all of ...Hi Kristen,<br />I, too, drank the kool-aid for all of my married life as well as being primed beforehand by my fundie-lite leanings. I would add, from my perspective, that the defined gender roles were also very attractive to me-it was a way to change both myself and my husband to procure society's and the church's approval. Soon after we were married, I realized that my tomboyish ways and my husband's passive, nurturing nature were not lauded in these circles or society at large. I was not only unhappy with myself, but with my husband. I thought that by embracing the homemaking lifestyle, I would get all the accolades of a godly wife and mother and, by encouraging my husband's authoritarian leadership in our home, I would position myself to get social recognition at church as well as transform my husband into a leader. I was not alone, in fact, when I was in the cult, many women would remark how it had encouraged their husbands to take more responsibility in their homes. I think many of us were frustrated with shouldering so much responsibility and this was a way to make the men step up to the plate and be active in the family. Plus, it would gratify the women to be married to a more "macho" man instead of a passive one who is more of a follower. <br /><br />In addition, you are so right about the authoritarian upbringing. I was totally attracted to an oppressive-style of management. I remember bemoaning how my previous church elders didn't seem to be actively addressing sin in the church. I was so relieved when I began attending a "church" that would take these matters seriously. I didn't realize that my upbringing played into this desire until after reading your insights today. <br /><br />In regards to being involved in something "larger" than myself, I definitely felt during my skirt-wearing, modest days that I was stemming the tide of moral decay in the world just by my appearance in public, showing people a better way.<br /><br />Thanks so much for your views. If we are not emotionally healthy, all of us are susceptible to drinking the kool-aid. Like you said, it is human nature to want to belong and feel loved and validated. Because of these reasons, it is very hard to leave a cult, once you discover what poison it is. We were only involved a couple of years in deep fundamentalism, but it was difficult to leave our identity and our friends behind. After nearly two years of recovery, soul searching and self-therapy, I am slowly beginning to feel emotionally healthy, but still feel a little bereft without the friendships that we had. My children definitely have mourned the loss of these friendships. They still ask to get together with some of the families. I console myself by telling them that these people are very unhealthy and it is not good for us long-term to be involved with them. Plus, there was so much pain initially when we left that even being around any of these blinded people reminded us of our own sheep-like following. It's all been so jarring, that I still get a weird feeling when I see any of them online or in the store.<br /><br />People can judge that we are the weak ones of society, but this could happen to anyone. I was a decorated athlete, salutatorian and independent spirit in my high school days. I had the world by its tail. By all appearances, I should have been on the list of "least to be involved in a cult". And, here I am, on the other side. My advice? Cult-proof yourself by addressing any low self-esteem or codependency issues in your life. I didn't know I had them until after leaving the cult.<br /><br />Hope this shows how many attractions that these places hold for any one of us.Wide awakenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7971820842270330168.post-34041387791326282232012-09-23T22:31:50.124-07:002012-09-23T22:31:50.124-07:00Pnisila, that's an interesting insight. Not ha...Pnisila, that's an interesting insight. Not having been raised religious, I was not attracted to coercive religion for that reason.<br /><br />Annonymous, yes, it's true that once I was well and truly into the group, the love bombing stopped, and the impossible standards began. However, some of the rank-and-file members, though they were love-bombing because they'd been told to, also sincerely did have genuine compassion and care for people, and this concern and care didn't stop just because it was no longer required. They remain my friends to this day.Kristenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08252374623355509404noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7971820842270330168.post-62276426951854231162012-09-23T22:30:32.411-07:002012-09-23T22:30:32.411-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.Kristenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08252374623355509404noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7971820842270330168.post-86387346341727466792012-09-23T19:47:04.732-07:002012-09-23T19:47:04.732-07:00Greatpost! This is a topic that has to be explored...Greatpost! This is a topic that has to be explored because there is a power of attraction to those groups as there are to any cult-like group that has to be defined so that people are warned. <br /><br />I would like to add another reason people might join such strict, works-based groups, especially if they grew up in similar groups that are essentially works based, behavior based. At some point, usually around the pre-teen or teen years, it becomes painfully apparent that one cannot perfect oneself which must happen to avoid hell, in that line of thinking. One then has to turn to something "outside oneself," so to speak, to be, as it were, forced into behaving or working out salvation. This is one of the secrets of how Catholicism, the religion of my youth, traps its people. <br /><br />Some in that mindset will end up in controlling relationships thinking, in the psychological state they are in, that someone stronger than them will help them behave. Others join cults or legalistic religious denominations or organizations such as the patriarchal groups. <br /><br />Thank God, however, that in Christ Jesus, we are free, and that many have come out of such groups and can now help others.<br />blessings,<br />PhyllisAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7971820842270330168.post-9070052526982074512012-09-23T19:41:22.429-07:002012-09-23T19:41:22.429-07:00It's so hard for me to understand why women em...It's so hard for me to understand why women embrace this. I realize that all women are different, and many women may feel differently than I do, but....the thought of having children AND a career has never seemed like a rat race to me. The idea of being a stay-at-home mom and homemaker has never seemed like a peaceful "retreat" to me, a way to escape from an otherwise crazy world, it just seems like one lifestyle of many. (Just like the choice to work and have kids is one lifestyle of many, or the decision whether to have kids at all, etc.)<br /><br />So the idea that patriarchy can "protect" you from a worldly lifestyle that's attacking is--just something I have a hard time relating to.<br /><br />On the love-bombing front, I have a question for you. Did you ever experience a sort of double-standard of treatment for people who were in the group vs. out? Did it ever seem to you that people on the outside were love-bombed in, but once you got in, the demeanor became something else because now they didn't have to "woo" you and they could start twisting your arm to change you?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7971820842270330168.post-76886573089689987172012-09-23T05:54:26.818-07:002012-09-23T05:54:26.818-07:00That is why young Christian college students shoul...That is why young Christian college students should be wary of what Christian organizations they attend, and analyze the messages that they are given by the leadership very carefully. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com